


5 First Times Buffy and Giles Never Kissed

by banduraqueen



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, F/M, Fluff, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-10 06:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13496598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banduraqueen/pseuds/banduraqueen
Summary: The title says it all. Just five times Buffy and Giles might have kissed: The Prom, A New Man, Life Serial, post-Grave, post-Chosen.





	1. The Prom

The gymnasium lights turned on at midnight and the music stopped. The students that were still there groaned in disappointment, but most had already left the prom, including Buffy, Willow and Xander, along with their dates. Willow had said something about staying up all night and watching the sunrise. It sounded romantic, especially for teenagers who might not have a lot of sunrises left.

Giles, however, was still in the gym, bound as he was by his chaperoning duties. Wesley had ducked out earlier to follow Cordelia, and Giles was grateful for his absence. The less Wesley was around the other high school staff the better. Giles was surprised none of them had yet asked who he was and why he was hanging around. Perhaps living on the Hellmouth taught people to turn a blind eye to all sorts of things, the mundane as well as the supernatural.

As they all filed out of the gym Giles exchanged pleasant “good-nights” with some of those staff.

“You’re not headed to the parking lot?” the math teacher asked as he and Giles turned in opposite directions.

“I need to pick up some books from the library.”

“As if you aren’t around books enough at work, you gotta take them home with you?”

“Yes, well, I actually do like books…” Giles shrugged and tried to look good-natured while thinking that there were some good reasons why he usually avoided most of his colleagues.

Walking towards the library, Giles thought about which volumes he would need to research the Ascension that weekend. He was having trouble focusing though – he suspected that someone had spiked the punch. Not enough that he was drunk, just enough to take the edge off, so by the time he reached the library he was no longer thinking about the urgent matter of how to stop the mayor, but about how the night actually hadn’t been half bad. The children seemed to have had a good time at least, and he liked to see Buffy happy. She certainly deserved it.

When he stepped into the library he was surprised to find Buffy sitting at the research table. Her hair gleamed softly in the moonlight, as did her pink satin dress, and her face, glazed as it was with tears. She seemed just as surprised to see him.

“Buffy! What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! Nothing…” she said, wiping her face with her hand. “I just wanted to be alone.”

“Where’s Angel?”

“He left, we said goodnight, it’s fine, don’t worry. We just… we said goodbye and I wanted to be alone.”

“Oh,” Giles nodded. “I’m sorry to interrupt your, uh, solitude then.”

“It’s okay.” Buffy smiled weakly and got to her feet. “Done with the solitude for the night. Ready to leave the fortress.

“Would you like a ride home?”

“Thanks.”

***

The car ride was mostly silent. Giles thought of asking Buffy if she wanted to talk, or of offering some words of comfort. But he also didn’t want to push her.

As they neared Revello Drive she finally spoke, “Mom will be surprised to see me,” she said listlessly. “She expects me to stay out all night, like she did at her prom. I’m gonna shock her with my self-discipline.”

“I take it this is not a happy prospect?”

Buffy shrugged. “I shouldn’t complain. All-considered it was a better night than I could have expected… a good night even… There was just so much build up, and now… that’s it?”

Giles nodded in understanding. She was let down, of course. He wanted to cheer her up. “I promised you ice-cream, didn’t I?”

Buffy smiled. “You did… but I don’t think anyplace is open.”

“We’ll find somewhere.”

“Okay.”

***

Giles knew, of course, that Buffy would need time to get over Angel, there was no quick fix for that. But he was determined to distract her for a little while at least. After all this was supposed to be a special night for her, it should end on a happy note.

He pulled in to the parking lot of a 24-hour fast food place. “You don’t mind settling for soft-serve, I hope?” He was feeling rather cheerful himself. As sorry as he was for Buffy a part of him felt lighter knowing that Angel would soon be gone.

His good mood seemed to be rubbing off on Buffy. “Hey, all ice-cream is good ice-cream, especially if it’s chocolate.”

Giles bought two chocolate-swirl cones and Buffy asked if he wanted to go for a walk. “This isn’t exactly my idea of appetizing ambiance,” she explained, looking around at the flickering fluorescent lights and depressingly out-dated tile.

“And I think we’re a tad overdressed,” Giles agreed with a smile.

They headed towards a nearby park and meandered slowly along its edge. The balmy summer air carried the scent of night-blooming flowers. Insects chirped from the brush. It was a lively night; the darkness itself seemed to hum with energy.

Giles was amused at the sight of Buffy; it seemed incongruous for a young woman wearing what was honestly quite a sophisticated evening gown to be eating an ice-cream cone as enthusiastically as she was.

Buffy noticed him glancing at her. “What are you smiling at?” She asked suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Giles replied unconvincingly.

“Hey, these things melt quickly, you have move,” Buffy defended herself, finishing off her cone. “See!” She pointed at Giles. “Look at you! You’re dripping!”

“What?” Giles examined at his ice-cream, trying to find the side it was dripping on.

“Here –” Buffy grabbed his cone from him and licked all around the edge, cleaning up the drips. “Fixed!” She exclaimed.

“Thank you so,” Giles said dryly. “You can keep it.”

“Yay.” Buffy smiled, pleased with herself. But then she cringed, looking at Giles’ jacket. “Ooh noo, I was too late! You did get chocolate on you!”

Giles looked down at his suit. “Where?”

“Here…” Still holding the ice-cream cone in one hand, Buffy took Giles’ pocket square with the other and dabbed his lapel. She grimaced, unhappy with the results.

“I have to get it dry-cleaned anyways,” Giles said. He was still feeling light-headed. He wasn’t sure why, any alcohol he had had should have worn off by now.

“Chocolate stains though, you have to get it right away,” Buffy said, continuing with the pocket square. Her bangs fell loose into her face and she tried unsuccessfully to push them back with the hand still holding the ice-cream. Giles tucked them behind her ear for her. Her hair was soft and smooth.

She seemed to get flustered, and, frustrated with the stain, handed Giles back his pocket square. “It’s a shame,” She said with an awkward smile that Giles didn’t quite understand, “You look so dapper.”

***

Instead of heading back to the car Buffy and Giles strolled slowly in the direction of Buffy’s house. They still had some time to kill before she decided it was late enough to return home. Buffy forbade any talk about demons or vampires or anything serious at all. They talked about the night sky, and argued about whether they were looking at an especially bright star or a weather balloon. Giles explained that he still wasn’t used to the stars in California, they were in different places than what he was used to.

“You can’t see them at all in LA, you know,” Buffy said. “The city lights outshine them. You can see so many here.” She tilted her head back, smiling at the sky, and let her gaze get lost in the stars. “They’re like… lots and lots of little Christmas lights. Like every night it’s Christmas in the sky.”

She was happy and unguarded, completely at home in the night, and Giles felt like he was part of something special just being there with her. He looked at her the way she was looking at the stars.

“I suppose that’s one good thing about Sunnydale,” he said gently. “You get to see the stars.”

“I guess…” Buffy became pensive and fell silent.

Giles felt like he had clumsily broken a spell. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I just… I wonder if Sunnydale is all there is for me. I’m not going away for college… Will I ever go _any_ where else, _do_ anything else… Will I ever fall in love again?”

“Ah…” Giles said softly.

They came upon Buffy’s house and stopped at the end of her walk.

She turned to him. “Does my life just end here? That’s it?”

“No Buffy…” He searched for something to tell her, something that could comfort her but was also true. “I can’t predict the future, but I know you have a lot of life in you, and a lot of love. I’m certain at least that you will fall in love again.” He didn’t know why he was sure of it, only that it seemed impossible for the opposite to be true.

“Maybe I don’t even want to,” she said sadly.

“The time will come when you will,” He replied, comforting. “And it will be different than it was with Angel…That doesn’t mean you’ll forget him, as if it never happened. Everyone you love becomes a part of you, and a part of what you do.”

She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

“Believe me, you have everything to look forward to.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

She hugged him and he placed a hand on the back of her head. He wondered if he had just lied to her and wished desperately that everything he had said was real. Her hair smelled like vanilla and lilac.

She looked up at him with tears still on her lashes, but a genuine smile, and didn’t move from his arms.

He was still light-headed and he didn’t know why. The night seemed to close in on him, warm and sweet, and there was buzzing in his ears. Her eyes were getting closer and he was lost in them…

His lips brushed hers…

She backed away, her face quickly growing red.

“I’m sorry,” Giles said. “I didn’t – I –”

She ran inside.

***

Giles buried himself in research that weekend, and tried not think about how stupid and selfish he had been, and how Buffy must hate him, and how she was right to.

***

On Monday morning he waited anxiously in the library, trying to plan what he would say, how he would apologize, explain himself, beg for forgiveness, but everything he thought of was terrible. “I love you but I know I shouldn’t.” “I betrayed your trust but I won’t again.” What could he possibly say to make things right?

It was just a few minutes until the morning bell.

Buffy walked in.

“Buffy! I’m so sorry,” he started as soon as he saw her. “So sorry – I can’t – I-I mean – I won’t ever – w-what I mean is –”

“Don’t,” she cut him off.

He fell silent.

She seemed awkward and had trouble meeting his eyes. “Just… can we not ruin everything? It was a nice night. I’d like to leave it at that.”

Giles nodded, stunned and relieved.

“Any research updates?” She asked, business-like.

“N-no, not as such,” he replied self-consciously.

The bell rang.

“Well, see you later,” she said, turning to go.

“Yes. Later.”

She was almost at the door when she stopped. She was still for a moment, as if trying to decide what she wanted to do. She turned around.

“Just so you know,” she said quietly, “it was a really nice night.”

She left for class.


	2. A New Man

Riley got a call on his cell phone as he and Buffy stepped out of the motel.

“Yes, understood. Right away.” He hung up and turned to Buffy. “I have to go report to Professor Walsh. Will you be all right?”

“I think I can take care of myself.” She smiled.

He smiled back, gave her a kiss, and got into his car. She waved to him as he drove away. They had worked well together that night, she was very happy with him.

Giles apparently hadn’t noticed Riley was leaving until it was too late. “Um, Buffy,” he said, concerned. “I don’t have a car.”

Her face fell. “Oh. I guess we’re walking.”

“A perfect end to a perfect day,” Giles said, sarcastic but resigned.

The motel was just off the highway, and they followed it back towards town, walking on the gravel shoulder. It wasn’t meant for walking, but it was the fastest way through the seedy outskirts, those parts of Sunnydale that felt like they weren’t really part of Sunnydale. The streetlamps were spaced far apart and cast islands of flat, orange light into the darkness. When she was between those islands it almost felt to Buffy like she was nowhere at all. It wasn’t a “nice” place to walk, but Buffy liked it.

Giles didn’t look like he was enjoying it at all. He kept his arms crossed tightly as he walked.

“Are you cold?” Buffy asked.

“Just trying to hide the shirt,” he replied with a chagrined half-smiled.

It was truly an ugly print. Buffy would have been very embarrassed for him if he ever wore anything like it by choice. Not to mention the way it gaped at the collar, and the fabric clung made Buffy vaguely uncomfortable, but it was a dark night and she was able to ignore it.

“How did you find me anyways?” Giles asked.

“Riley,” she said proudly. “Once we found out Ethan Rayne was in town the Initiative was able to track his trail of slime like _that_.”

“They sound very useful.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to save you without them.”

“Well, then I’m grateful to them.” He wasn’t insincere, but there was a layer of sullenness under his voice.

“What’s wrong?” Buffy asked.

“Nothing.”

“Sounds like a somethingy kind of nothing.” Buffy was annoyed that he didn’t just come out and say what the problem was. But acknowledging his own feelings had never been Giles’ strong suit. It suddenly struck Buffy how flawed he was. He wasn’t an authoritative grown-up, but just someone who messed up and struggled as much as she did. And it was funny to think that he needed her as much as she needed him. Anyways, she knew him well enough to guess that he was feeling displaced from her life.

“Giles, you know I’ll still need you,” she told him.

He didn’t reply, just gave her a thin half-smile that said, “Thank you” but also said that he didn’t quite believe her.

“The Initiative is an amazing resource, but you’re more than a bunch of books and knowledge,” She said, stopping under a streetlamp to look at him.

“Am I?” Giles asked uncertainly.

“Of course you are!” Buffy exclaimed. “I need _you_ , person-you, not book-guy-you. If I had lost you today I don’t know what I would have done.”

Her vehemence seemed to convince him. “Thank you,” he said sheepishly.

They looked at each other – he was still embarrassed and she was still exasperated, but he was pleased to be with her and she was glad to have him back – and they shared a smile.

His arms were still tightly crossed over his stupid shirt. Buffy took a hold of them and uncrossed them. He seemed self-conscious but he let her.

“You know you’re not actually hiding by doing that. Your arms are covered in shirt too,” she said.

And there was something about the bashful way he looked that gave Buffy a puzzling sort of feeling, a feeling she would have been embarrassed about if she hadn’t been alone in an island of light surrounded by nothingness, free and grown-up and able to do whatever she wanted. She felt like she wanted to kiss him. And she did.

It was a gentle, fleeting kiss. It might have lasted longer except that Giles backed away, looking stunned.

“Sorry,” Buffy apologized quickly, her face flushing. “It’s just… You looked like you needed a kiss.”

Giles somehow managed to look even more confused. “Did I?”

“It was a mistake…” She didn’t know anymore what she had been thinking, except that whatever it was it was wrong. And what about Riley? Wasn’t she happy with Riley? She was very happy with Riley.

Giles was still staring at her, absolutely dazed.

“Big mistake, I’m sorry,” she repeated, and started walking briskly. “Let’s just get you home.”

They walked in silence all the way back. Giles stayed two steps behind Buffy. She was grateful; she didn’t think she could bear looking at him.

Finally they were almost at Giles’ apartment.

“Um, Buffy…”

Buffy turned to Giles. He looked nervous.

“A-about Riley…”

Buffy could feel her face burning up at the mention of her boyfriend.

“Do-do you really like him?”

Buffy was surprised by the question. “I really do,” she replied simply.

Giles gave a stiff kind of nod and exhaled like he had been holding his breath.

“And he likes me,” she continued. “A lot. He makes me happy.”

“Good… I-I’m glad.” Giles gave Buffy a weak smile without quite meeting her eyes. “Um… Thank you for walking me home. G-goodnight.”

“‘Night.”

Giles turned and headed towards his apartment.

The night was very black. When Giles opened his apartment door and turned on the light it looked so welcoming. For a moment Buffy almost thought about following him.

She went home and called Riley before going to bed.


	3. Life Serial

Buffy slowly sank down onto the floor. It seemed so much more stable than the bed, and she needed stability. She wasn’t quite drunk anymore, but the world was still spinning around her. She pulled a blanket off the bed and held it on her lap; any kind of comfort was grounding. Her bedroom was warm, awash in dim red light from her bedside lamp, and she just wanted to just stay there forever.

Life kept pushing in though and there was no getting away from it.

“I’m really screwing up, Giles,” she confessed.

“What? Come on…” Giles sat down on the bed next to her and she wished he could stay with her like this forever too. She was drowning and talking to Giles like this gave her something to hold on to, even if she was only clinging on by her fingertips, only half-believing his words of comfort.

When he gave her the cheque, suddenly she felt like she was on solid ground again.

“This is – this is great,” she said, as he put his hand on her shoulder. “This is more than great… I don’t really know how to say this…” She wanted to say that it was a little like being back in heaven, like that all-encompassing warmth and love and peace that she had lost could somehow be reclaimed in the tiniest way because he was there taking care of her. But she couldn’t say that. She wanted to tell him about heaven, but he would insist on telling the others. And he was already mad at Willow, Buffy could only imagine how angry he would be if he knew the truth. So instead she said, “It’s a little like having mom back.”

“In this scenario I am your mother?” He replied with a silly look.

He wanted to trade quips, Buffy supposed, banter the way they used to do so often, banter to avoid their emotions. She was good with that. “Wanna be my shiftless absentee father?”

“Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?”

He lifted his hand from her shoulder, and Buffy was sorry. It had felt nice. It felt as if since she had gotten back the most at peace she had been was when she was alone with Giles, when she was close to him.

“I’m just saying… thank you. So much.”

Buffy started to stand up, shakily, with the idea of showing the cheque to Dawn. Giles held her arms to help steady her. His hands were warm and firm and she didn’t want him to let go, they were next to the bed, comforting and safe, and she didn’t want to leave, he was so close to her, and she only wanted to be closer. She could have hugged him but she didn’t. She kissed him.

A short kiss, but enough that Buffy felt a thrill of energy run through her – this wasn’t a mistake, she was sure.

She looked up at Giles. He looked surprised, and bewildered, but not upset. She kissed him again, gently but deliberately. And again.

Buffy had vague thoughts about how this was weird and she should stop, but each kiss gave her a sort of buzz that drove those thoughts away. And then Giles kissed her back, carefully, lovingly. Giles kissed Buffy and she felt a humming warmth spread through her. It was like a ghost of what she had felt in heaven, and she wanted more of it.

She stood on her toes and kissed him deeply, holding him close, like he could never be close enough. She wanted to lose herself in the heat of his body, to melt in to him. She pulled him towards the bed –

He suddenly backed away.

“No! N-no, we shouldn’t – I shouldn’t – I don’t – this isn’t why I-I-I –” He stammered incoherently, looking frightened.

Already Buffy could feel the warmth that had sparked inside of her fading.

Giles took a calming breath and continued, “I-it’s wrong. You don’t owe me anything.”

Buffy flushed. He thought she was doing this because of the money. “I know,” she said softly, but with a warning edge in her voice. “I just wanted to be close to you.”

For a moment Giles looked at her with longing, but then his gaze became shuttered. “I don’t – I don’t want that.”

The warmth that had filled Buffy was gone. Waves of cold reality were lapping around her, and Giles seemed further away than ever.


	4. Grave

Giles hadn’t really believed that Buffy would be the one to die. Even seeing her body empty and broken on the concrete, he could hardly comprehend it. She had been such a hero, how could all that life and love and strength be gone? But there she was, one more girl, just a girl, sacrificed to save the world. And there he was, alone, the man that had sent her to die.

At first he didn’t want to let her go. Going about his day he would remember a particular quirk or phrase of hers and try to hold on to it, as if that one detail of her could live on if he just pictured it clearly enough. But then those memories of her, so vibrant and full of life, would make the fact of her absence, of her death, all the more painful by contrast. Eventually he wanted to move on.

He expected he would stop thinking about Buffy when he was back in England, away from Sunnydale and the constant reminders of her. Once he landed in London, however, instead of remembering things she had said and done when she was alive Giles imagined what she would say and do if she were there with him, if she hadn’t died. She would hate the Council Headquarters, of course, and he imagined her warily side-eying the bureaucrats he passed in its halls. She would complain about the rain, quipping about how stereotypical it was or griping about what it was doing to her hair. Walking by Carnaby Street he could see her face lighting up as she looked in shop windows. Kings Cross Station would be a novelty to her as they didn’t have such rail systems in California, and she would enjoy the trip into Bath, seeing countryside quite different from what she was used to. He didn’t just miss her the way she was, he missed all the possibilities they had lost, the life he could have had with her.

He got frustrated with himself. It had been months, he had moved countries, hemispheres, when would he stop thinking about her? Visions of her eyes, of her smile followed him as if he were haunted. He lay awake in bed that night, staring into the darkness, willing himself to think of nothing at all and failing, when the idea came to him: he had been in love.

The realization didn’t upset him, he was a little disappointed in himself, but it was all profoundly inconsequential now. It simply felt like the truth: he had been in love with Buffy.

The next day Willow phoned. Buffy was alive.

After he hung up, Giles actually pinched himself, and opened a book and read the first few lines aloud to be sure he wasn’t dreaming. Buffy was alive. He could barely think, he could barely breathe. He started packing right away. Tears came to his eyes and he didn’t even notice.

And all that about being “in love”… well that was just some sort of psychological response to grief. It was all nonsense.

***

On the cab ride from the airport to the Magic Box, Giles was filled with anxiety and doubts. Maybe he had misunderstood Willow. Maybe it wasn’t really Buffy that was back but some sort of magical facsimile. Maybe he had dreamt that phone call after all. Then he saw her and it was really her, and he was so happy he felt faint. She was such a hero, of course she had come back. In that moment when he saw her again everything seemed right.

Only it wasn’t. Buffy wasn’t all right, and Giles wasn’t either. He thought he was fine, worried for Buffy of course, but able to interact with her normally enough, but then he would get distracted by details of her appearance: the texture of her skin and the baby hairs on her face, the length of her eyelashes, the shape of her lips, and then the notion of how nice it would be to kiss her would come to him, unbidden and unwelcome as it was. All that about being “in love” wasn’t nonsense at all.

It was a crushing realization; the right thing to do would be to leave. It wasn’t fair to her for him to stay when he felt like this. And she didn’t really need him anyways. She should be able to stand on her own. She was a hero after all.

***

He was back in England in time for the winter rains. He didn’t call to check in on her. She had been so angry with him, he needed to give her time. And he needed to give the feelings that he had a chance to die.

Weeks passed and she didn’t call. None of them did.

He still thought about her often, had whole conversations with her in his head. He thought she would be quite enchanted with the city of Bath at first, with its picturesque streets and Georgian architecture, but would quickly tire of it, and look forward to frequent trips into London. He was sure she would like London.

He sometimes felt guilty for thinking of her so frequently, but he assured himself that all these thoughts and feelings would fade with time.

***

Months passed and he didn’t hear from Buffy. He sent flowers and a cheque to Anya and Xander for their wedding. If Buffy didn’t want to speak to him he wasn’t going to push her. He worried though that perhaps he had made a mistake. Perhaps leaving was actually the selfish choice; perhaps he was just trying to make things easier on himself. He wanted to keep an eye out for her. He knew some witches in Devon who could help with that.

 

* * *

 

In the days after she tried to end the world, Willow stayed with Xander in his apartment, too ashamed to face Buffy and Dawn. Buffy wanted to see her but Giles thought it best to leave her be. He was planning on taking her to England to go through some sort of magic rehabilitation, but he had to recover from the damage she had done to him first. And he had to wait for the coven to send his falsified travel documents. He had teleported to Sunnydale, but to keep Willow away from magic they would take a plane back.

***

Although she worried about Willow, Buffy was feeling better than she had in a long time – since before she came back from the dead. She still wasn’t exactly loving life with abandon, but she was enjoying little bits and pieces of it. Like waking up early to see the sunrise from her kitchen window, drinking fresh orange juice and watching the rays of light make patterns on the countertop.

She was savouring a morning just like that when there was a knock at the back door. It was Giles, looking much better for a few days rest.

“Hey, come on in. Join me for juice?” Buffy asked.

“No juice, thank you, I can’t stay long. I’ve just come to say goodbye.”

 

* * *

 

Since Giles had returned it seemed to Buffy that there was something different about him. When he first came into the Magic Box he had seemed… taller maybe? Maybe she had just forgotten how tall he was. Maybe it was the magic – when she hugged him it was like a wave of energy pulsed through her, it was strange. But she wasn’t able to think much about it what with Willow being evil and all.

How she felt around him was different too, in a way that was hard to pinpoint. Talking to him in the training room about everything that had happened since he left, about everything that had gone wrong – that she had gotten wrong – was a very emotional experience. And laughing with him… that was something else altogether. She had never been so relieved and so miserable at the same time, and there was something else inside her too, a kind of excited nervousness… but she was just a big jumbled mess of emotions, she wasn’t going to bother to tease each one of them out. All she knew for sure was that in that moment when everything was so terrible, Giles being back was one good thing she could hang on to.

 

* * *

 

The most powerful witch in the Devon coven was a stout little woman, with ruddy pink cheeks, blonde hair streaked thickly with grey, and small, sparkly blue eyes. Her name was Jenny, and most people thought the name suited her, but Rupert Giles always called her Jennifer.

She didn’t ask why, she didn’t need to – she was good at reading people. And she was kind. She didn’t particularly like the long form of her name, but allowed Giles to use it anyways.

***

It was five in the afternoon and raining. Giles had taken a break from some research he was doing for the Council to make himself a third cup of tea when his phone rang. It was Jennifer.

“Tara is dead. That dark power we talked about is rising.”

“Oh God… It is Willow… I’ll be right there.”

Driving to Devon, rain spattering the windshield of his rental car, Giles tried not to wonder what had happened to Tara. She had been so sweet and kind, he didn’t like to think about how she might have died in Sunnydale. She had probably been all that was keeping Willow from losing control, and now… Now things were falling apart. He thought of Buffy, one friend dead, another turned to darkness, and there he was, stuck half a world away in England, completely useless. He didn’t even know why he was going to Devon, what he could possibly do to help, but he had to do something.

When Giles got to the coven the witches were gathering ingredients, looking up spells, making preparations. He recognized the symbols used for a teleportation spell drawn on the floor.

Jennifer bustled towards him, a large, old volume under her arm. “I’m going to Sunnydale,” she told him brusquely. “I have to stop her.”

“Let me go instead,” Giles said without a second thought.

She _tsk’d_ at him. “What could you do, silly man?”

“Not much on my own, but you could imbue me with your powers –”

“That would be very dangerous for you.”

“I don’t care. If someone is going to risk their life it should be me. This is my responsibility – ”

“The witch is your responsibility?”

“Buffy is, I have to help her –”

“Then why did you leave her?” She looked at him with keen, narrowed eyes. It was unsettling.

“I-I had to. It was the right thing to do…” Giles quailed under the witch’s gaze. He couldn’t hide it from her. “I loved her.” The words almost got caught in his throat, it was the first time he had admitted it out loud.

She raised her eyebrows. “And now you have to go back…?”

“Because I love her.” It wasn’t any easier to say the second time, or to realize that those feelings hadn’t faded with time, that they never would.

“Well…” She nodded appraisingly, looking him up and down. For a moment Giles thought she was going to turn him away. Instead she gave him a faint, kind smile. “That’s always the best reason there is to do anything. Come on, let’s get you ready…”

 

* * *

 

Coffins and corpses jutted out of the earthen walls of the crater Buffy was trapped in. Death surrounded her, as it always had, only now it was Willow who was causing it, it was Willow who was going to end the world. It was Willow who, Anya seemed to be saying, had done something to Giles.

“Anya, what are you –”

“Look, uh… I should get back to him. He’s alone.”

“Is he okay?” Buffy choked on the words.

“I don’t think he has a lot of time left…”

The edges of Buffy’s world seemed to get darker, the air in her lungs became thinner. She was going to lose Giles. It was like the path ahead was being enveloped in shadow, closing off a future she hadn’t quite begun to imagine.

“I’m sorry,” Anya said and disappeared.

After she was gone it took Buffy a second to remember that the world still needed to be saved.

 

* * *

 

When Buffy came back from the dead she had nightmares for months about waking up in her coffin, about clawing through dirt and never reaching the surface.

To those were added nightmares about kissing Spike, and then about having sex with Spike. There wasn’t anything especially nightmarish about what happened in these dreams – it wasn’t anything that didn’t happen in waking life – but the feelings of shame and fear and encroaching darkness always woke her up.

Every now and then she would have dreams about Giles. Uneventful dreams, simply walking with him, through cobbled streets lined with gracious stone buildings, and talking…

_It’s exactly like living in Masterpiece Theatre. Or what I imagine Masterpiece Theatre is like, I’ve never watched it._

_Coming from you I assume that means it’s boring._

_No! Not at all! It’s a charming town. Very… monochrome._

_Wait till I take you to London, I’m sure you’ll like London._

_Ooh, sounds like an exciting shopping opportunity..._

Buffy always forgot these dreams soon after waking up and was simply left with an inexplicable feeling of being loved.

 

* * *

 

The first thing Giles noticed about Buffy actually wasn’t her hair, but how much smaller she seemed, like she had been literally worn down. As they talked in the training room and she told him everything that had happened since he had left he understood why. Life had taken its toll on her.

Leaving had been a mistake, he realized, Buffy had needed someone to lean on and –

Then she told him about Spike. He felt a pang of jealousy course through him… and he couldn’t help but laugh. It was all too absurd. Everything was melodramatically terrible and there he was being jealous like a petty teenager.

And when he looked at Buffy she didn’t seem quite the same kind of hero he had remembered, she was much more human, and such a human, and he loved her all the more.

 

* * *

 

Buffy helped Dawn climb out of the crater, and looked around at the world, the world that hadn’t been destroyed after all. They were in the same graveyard Buffy had been to a million times before, but now there seemed to be something beautiful about those trees and flowers she was so used to. Everything radiated life. Even the overcast sky, flat and white, seemed beautiful and calm.

Buffy hugged Dawn, grateful to be with her.

“Let’s go find Willow,” she said when she finally let go of her little sister.

“Maybe we should find Giles. Willow’s probably okay, but Giles…”

Buffy remembered what Anya had said, but she wasn’t anxious about it anymore. “Don’t worry, he’s okay.”

“How can you know?”

Buffy shrugged, “I just do.”

Dawn raised her eyebrows. “I’d still like to make sure.”

“Okay.”

Dawn suggested they go to the Magic Box first, but Buffy pointed out that Anya probably took Giles to the hospital if he was that badly hurt. As they got near Sunnydale General Buffy started feeling that same excited nervousness she had felt in the training room with him. And now that there weren’t any literal earth-shattering crises hanging over her head it suddenly hit her what that feeling was – it was a crush. She had a crush on Giles.

Only no, that was stupid, he was so old, and, well, _Giles_. He was stuffy and proper, and her high school librarian. And yeah, he looked really intense when he had come into the Magic Box and that was kind of attractive, but he usually wasn’t like that. He was usually just sweet and supportive and…

It had just been an emotional few days, that’s why she felt like this. She couldn’t really have a crush on Giles.

They found him in the hospital, waiting to see as doctor. He looked a mess, he was tired and bruised – and Buffy just wanted to kiss him. It was weird and confusing and bad – it was a bad feeling, she told herself.

He smiled when he saw her. “Buffy…”

She hung back for a moment, thinking maybe she should keep her distance, but she was so glad to see him. She flung her arms around him, and he held her tight. She buried her face in his shoulder and didn’t let go. It was a stupid, useless crush that she could never do anything about… only it wasn’t. It was wonderful, this confusing, terrible, mishmash of emotions, it was being alive.

 

* * *

 

Buffy knew Giles was leaving with Willow soon, but it still surprised her when he came to say goodbye.

“You’re leaving now? _Now_ , now?”

Giles nodded. “I’ve just received my papers from the coven, and I think it’s imperative to start Willow’s rehabilitation as soon as possible.”

“How long will it take?”

“There’s really no telling.”

“Will it be dangerous?”

“No, it shouldn’t be, but you never know.”

Buffy gave him a rueful smile. “Story of our lives, right? ‘You never know’…” She felt a vague anxiety creeping over her. She wanted to know when she was going to see Giles again. Better yet she wanted to hold him and keep him there. “I’m going to miss you,” she said.

“M-maybe you can visit.”

Her face lit up. “Really?”

“Once Willow is stabilized it would be good for her to have contact with friends…”

“And I’d like to see where you live, I’m sure it’s chock-full of old-Englishy quaint.”

“Too much quaint for you, perhaps. I think you may get bored quickly. But we could take trips into London, i-if you like. I think you would like London.”

There was something familiar about what Giles was saying, something Buffy couldn’t quite remember, but gave her a specific feeling…

“I think I would too,” she said.

He smiled brightly. “Good!” He seemed so happy. “We’ll, um, talk about it later then?”

And there was something about the way his eyes shone when he looked at her, and something about that shadow of a memory she couldn’t quite place, and the feeling it left her with… He looked at her a moment too long… and Buffy realized that he was in love with her. It was a frightening, delightful realization, and she didn’t doubt it was true.

“Yeah,” was all she could say.

“I should get going –”

“Wait –”

There was an awkward moment while Buffy hesitated and Giles looked at her with mild concern, then she grabbed a hold of his arm, pulled him close and kissed him.

***

Giles felt like his brain was lost in an electric fog. All that existed was that Buffy was kissing him.

Then she stopped and looked up at him with nervous, smiling eyes, clear eyes that shone like topaz in the morning sun.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since you came back,” she said shyly.

Giles still felt lost. “Have you?”

“Well, when I wasn’t fighting for my life… yeah.”

She seemed to glow, like she was made of sunlight itself, and Giles couldn’t get enough of her. His eyes scanned her face, absorbing every detail of her.

“Is this real?” He asked.

Buffy smiled, amused by his disbelief. “Uh huh,” she replied, and added quietly, “Do, um, you need proof?”

Giles registered that she was flirting with him, but his brain wasn’t working well enough to reply. All he could do was quirk a nervous smile and nod.

They kissed again – still careful and uncertain, getting more confident, building up to longer kisses, each one making Giles’ heart beat faster. He felt her hand on the back of his neck and her fingers comb through his hair, and he held her close –

Buffy suddenly pushed him away.

“Hi Dawn!” She said brightly.

Dawn was just coming into the kitchen, still dressed in her pyjamas.

“Hey, Giles!” She said through a yawn, “You’re here early.”

“Yes, um…” Giles muttered, disoriented.

“He’s here to say goodbye. He’s leaving with Willow today.”

Giles felt like he had just shifted dimensions, and now he was back where he was supposed to be, with all his responsibilities and things he should be doing.

“Today? As in the day that’s now?” Dawn was saying.

“That’s the one. It’s a good thing, Dawnie, he’s going to help Willow de-evil.”

“Yeah, I guess the sooner the better,” Dawn said unenthusiastically.

“I-I should get going, actually,” Giles said.

Dawn ran up to Giles and hugged him. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, Dawn.”

She stepped back and looked at Giles with a half-hearted smile. “Take good care of Willow, okay?”

“I will.” He turned towards Buffy and was surprised when she hugged him too.

“I can’t wait to visit,” She said in his ear.

“Right!” The idea of Buffy visiting him in England suddenly seemed like a terrifying thing. He stepped back from her. “We’ll, uh, talk soon.”

“For sure. Bye.”

 

* * *

 

Giles did call as soon as he arrived with Willow in Devon, to check in and let Buffy know they were safe. They talked on the phone often throughout the summer, about Willow, about Dawn’s training, but never about the kiss, never about their feelings. Something else was always going on: a setback with Willow, a problem at the Council, a crisis in Sunnydale. And before they knew it the summer was over.


	5. Chosen

The first town the school bus trundled into was smaller than Sunnydale, all one-storey clapboard houses, seedy bars, and a couple of chain restaurants. There was also a clinic.

“Maybe we should keep going, find a hospital?” Giles said, with a worried glance in the rear-view mirror at Robin and the injured Slayers at the back of the bus.

“I think they need attention now.” Buffy replied, keeping her voice low.

Giles pulled into the clinic parking lot.

The receptionist leapt to her feet as she saw the injured get carried into her waiting room.

“Oh my god! What happened?”

“We came from Sunnydale.”

*

Surprisingly the clinic was able to treat them, and to keep the worst of the wounded overnight.

With nothing else to do the gang of Scoobies and new Slayers descended on the town’s tiny grocery store, buying up all the food they could carry, and checked-in to the motel. It was a faded two-storey building, perched on an escarpment overlooking the desert. It was cleaner than the motel in Sunnydale – or rather, the motel that used to be in what used to be Sunnydale – though it looked like it hadn’t been updated since the early ‘60s.

Faith was the first to get a room.

“Man, am I looking forward to this!” She exclaimed. “Armageddon had better not come knocking again ‘cuz I’m gonna sleep right through it!”

Though it was only late afternoon all the new Slayers seemed eager to follow suit and get some rest.

Buffy got her room key and found Willow and Xander.

“Hey! Slumber party in my room? I’m sure we can find something trashy on TV.” She wasn’t tired at all, she felt like she was waking up from a coma, like she was just remembering who she was.

Xander just gave her a weak smile. “I’ll take a rain check on that. Not really feeling up to slumber party shenanigans.” He gave Buffy a hug and went off by himself.

“Anya.” Was all Willow said after he left.

Buffy nodded sadly. “How ‘bout you though, Will? We can still be a party of two.”

Willow tried and failed to supress a mischievous smile. “Sounds like fun but I already kinda have plans,” she said with a glance towards Kennedy.

“Right!” Buffy said, trying to not look disappointed. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Buffy found her room; it was all mint green and salmon accents. The carpet was threadbare. She missed her friends.

She remembered how they all used to hang out in high school, watching bad TV and gorging themselves on junk food, and she wondered if they would ever do that again.

She was very conscious of the layer of sweat and grime that covered her, a reminder of the day’s horrors.

The motel bathroom was clean but like the rest of the room hadn’t been updated since it was built. The shower faucet squeaked when she opened it, and she was relieved when the water came out clear. She stripped off her blood and dust covered clothes and stepped into the steamy shower. When she closed her eyes she saw Spike, engulfed in light. She let the hot water wash away her tears.

After her shower Buffy washed her clothes as best she could in the bathtub and hung them over the shower curtain rod to dry.

She still wasn’t tired, but felt like she was supposed to be, that she should try to sleep. She climbed into bed. The mattress was lumpy and the blanket was thin and left her feeling exposed even when she pulled it up to her chin. She missed the feeling of someone lying besides her.

This time when she closed her eyes she saw the Turok Han, wave after wave of them coming towards her, and behind them all the demons she ever fought going back and back. She stared at the ceiling. It felt like there was a weight pressing down on her. She reminded herself she wouldn’t have to kill anything else ever again if she didn’t want to, but that thought wasn’t as comforting as she expected it to be. The future was a vast empty expanse, exciting but frightening.

There were voices and music coming from above her. There was no way she was going to fall sleep.

She found a scratchy terrycloth robe in the closet and wrapped it tightly around herself, and slippers that were too big for her but she wore anyways. She stepped outside.

It looked like the Potentials – no, the Slayers – were having a party in the room above her. So much for sleeping. She didn’t feel like looking in on them though; she wasn’t going to tell them what to do anymore.

The sun was getting low in the sky, starting to set over the desert. It was a stunning view, actually, if you liked vast expanses of sand and rock. Buffy walked around to the back of the motel to get a better look at it and found Giles was already there, leaning on the fence and staring out at the horizon.

She hesitated a moment, and decided she would rather be with Giles than be alone.

“Hey, can’t sleep either?” she said, walking up to him.

Giles glanced at her and did a slight double-take, surprised to see her in a bathrobe, but otherwise he seemed detached.

“I tried but was overcome with heart-stopping terror,” he said.

It struck Buffy as a strangely emotionally honest thing for Giles to say, then she noticed he was holding a bottle of whiskey, and that the bottle was half empty.

“You’re drinking.” She said, not hiding her disapproval.

“Only to drown that overwhelming terror I mentioned.”

She didn’t understand. “We won, Giles,” she reminded him.

“Today we did, but tomorrow? I need to rebuild the Council –”

“Nah, ya really don’t.” She couldn’t stop herself from scoffing.

“Not the bureaucracy,” he explained. “The information, the resources. With new slayers all over the world they’ll need a support system more than ever… and I’m all alone.”

“Lots of slayers and one watcher, my how the tables have turned.” Buffy realized she was being callous and felt sorry. She sighed. “You aren’t alone Giles, you really think the guys won’t help you?”

He shook his head “I can’t ask…”

“They’ll help you.” Buffy had meant to be reassuring, but the fact that she had left herself out of the equation was conspicuous.

Giles took a drink of whiskey. “You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know…” But she did. There was a persistent anger she wasn’t able to shake. She had papered over it in the face of the apocalypse, but now that they had won and were safe it was back. “Yeah,” she admitted. “I wish I wasn’t, I miss trusting you, but you’re the one that ruined that, not me. It’s not up to me.”

Giles looked at her with pain filled eyes. “What can I do? Tell me what I can do.”

“I don’t know…”

“You were right,” Giles launched into a rambling apology. “You were right about everything. Everything, about Spike, I should have trusted you, I was short-sighted, jealous, stupid–”

“Jealous of what?” Buffy asked, confused.

“Jealous? D-did I say…?” His eyes were wide and his face had turned red. His reaction didn’t make sense to Buffy, and then it clicked…

“Jealous of Spike?”

He became agitated. “Y-yes, well, y-you know, um y-you and he, uh, the way uh…” He got frustrated with himself, ran his hand through his hair. “He’s dead and right now I wish I were too,” he said ironically and took a drink.

He was about to take another when Buffy pushed the bottle away from him.

“Stop that! Tell me what you mean,” she demanded.

Giles dashed the bottle on the ground.

“I love you. I’m sorry.”

The world seemed to sway. Buffy had been betrayed by Giles before but this was something else. This was their whole relationship, a huge lie, and she had had no idea.

“For how long?” She asked, her voice small. Maybe it had been just been a few months, she was afraid it had been longer, she didn’t let herself think it had been longer.

He spoke quietly, despondently. “I don’t know… Since you came back, since Willow brought you back… longer, probably, but I didn’t realize it until you came back.”

“That’s a long time.”

“I was hoping it would go away if I just ignored it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s how feelings work,” Buffy said sarcastically, anger welling up inside her, anger beginning to break through.

“Clearly.”

“Don’t – don’t try to joke with me –”

“I’m not –”

“I’m not okay with this! I feel like I don’t know you.”

“I’m not any different! I’ve always, uh, a-always l-loved you, it’s just now…”

“Now what? You _want_ me?”

“No! Well yes, but no! This isn’t some base desire that I feel for you, and I would never act improperly or let it influence me –”

“You _just_ said it’s why you wanted Spike dead!”

Giles’ desperation started to turn to anger. “There were other reasons for that as well, at least two other good reasons, besides which it should have been done long before–”

“How dare you! Spike just saved all of us! He _died_ saving all of us! He loved me, he was there for me when none of you were!”

“I could have been! If you had let me I could have been! I wanted to –“

“You _left_! You left me! You think I didn’t need you? That I didn’t want your help? I _begged_ you to stay! But you left me, Giles… and you never really came back.”

Giles was dumbstruck.

Buffy realized she had just said out loud something she had never been quite conscious of before, but she was sure was true. Giles hadn’t been there for her for a long time.

“You’re right,” he finally said. “I was afraid… I was afraid of being close to you, because I knew I l-loved you.”

“Well you really screwed things up then, didn’t you?”

“God, I wish I still had my whiskey,” he sighed.

“You’re already drunk.”

“I could be drunker – more drunk.”

Buffy looked at him, he looked so thoroughly broken, and she missed everything he used to mean to her.

“You should have just told me,” she said.

“Should I’ve?” He almost laughed. “How? When you were raised from your grave, suffering the adjustment to this very non-heavenly existence? Would that have been a good time? Or when Willow almost killed me? Or when we were being overrun with Turok Han and Bringers, should I have said, by the way Buffy, I know we are dealing with multiple crises right now, but I am madly in love with you.”

He turned to Buffy and she had to take a step back. He looked at her with an intensity she had rarely seen in him before. He was angry, angry at himself, at being in this situation, but not at her. Under his hard, forced flippancy he was pleading with her.

“Deeply, completely in love,” he continued. “I want to take you on dates, I want to make love to you, I want to pick out bloody china patterns and spend my life with you because you are everything. Just thought you should know… Would that have been better?”

Buffy was close to tears, she was confused, she could barely process what Giles was saying. “Why are you doing this? Why are you arguing with me?”

He turned away from her. “Why are you still here? Don’t you hate me by now?”

“Do you want me to?”

“I want this to be over with.”

He was trying to drive her away, to give up. Buffy’s anger flared.

“I thought you wanted to be there for me, isn’t that what you said? Well my vampire not-boyfriend just died, my home is at the bottom of a giant sinkhole, I just created a world of Slayers, which means I don’t have to be one anymore, but I don’t know who I am if I’m not, and my Watcher, who I would normally talk to about this stuff, just told me he wants to freaking marry me or something! I need someone now, I miss you and I need you to make this not screwed-up.”

He looked abashed. “I’m sorry…”

“Of course you’re sorry,” she said derisively. She had reached her breaking point, she didn’t want to hear his apologies and confessions, she just wanted to rest. She suddenly thought of Angel, Angel who always came back to her when she needed him most, and tears rolled down her face.

Giles moved like he was about to comfort her, but pulled back, thinking better of it.

“I can’t,” he said sadly, distantly. “I can’t make this, uh, not screwed-up. I can’t be what you want me to be… I can’t be what _I_ want to be… I can’t do anything.” He paused, staring at the ground, staring at nothing. “You were right, I’m no good to you. I should leave you.”

Buffy almost told him to go then, but the words got stuck in her throat.

“Don’t,” she said instead.

He looked at her with a flicker of hope in his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m just sick of being alone.”

He turned away, looking out at the desert again, at the sun sinking out of view.

Buffy hated that she felt sorry for him, and she hated the distance between them. The way he had said he was in love with her was ringing in her head. She hated that she still missed him, and that they could never go back to being as they were.

She took his arm and pulled him close, rested her head on his shoulder and cried. He seemed taken aback, but he let her.

Why did she even want to go back to how things were anyways? Every day had been filled with horror. Now she was free.

He tentatively wrapped his arms around her. She felt so lonely.

She thought of Angel again and tried to imagine that he was the one holding her. But Giles was warm and Angel wasn’t. She could feel him breathing, feel his heartbeat, and the blood pumping through him. She could feel him react to every move she made. She felt torn and confused, her heart ripped down the middle. She hated Giles and loved him, she wanted to hurt him back and to stay in his arms forever. She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck, pulled him close and kissed him.

She kissed him like she could pour all the horror and pain of the last seven years into him, all the trauma he had shared with her and everything she had borne alone, like she could make him take it all away.

With some trouble he pushed her back. “Buffy, you don’t really want this,” he said.

“I know what I want,” she replied.

But god, the way he looked at her then, he was so in love.

Buffy couldn’t stand it, she couldn’t look at him. She pulled him close and buried her face in the front of his shirt. She felt him stroke her hair and gently kiss the top of her head. A shiver ran through her.

She opened her eyes and looked out over the desert, at the empty expanse stretching on and on, and the sunset staining the horizon red.


End file.
